Embrace me, my sweet embraceable me....

It has been a long time since I've worked almost exclusively with women. Scratch that. I'm around women all the time. I think maybe I should say that it has been a long time since I've been in a professional capacity with female coworkers through the holiday and New Year's seasons. There is a difference.

See, we all feel obliged to make treats and share with our coworkers. This prompted people to bring in boxes of cookies and chocolates. There was even lumpia and fruitcake (probably not brought in by the same person -- unless there's a Filipina who used to live in the British isles who works there now). Anyway, right after the holidays, there were tons of chocolates and cookies that were brought in for the sake of keeping temptation out of the homes of these ladies. We've swung through the binging phase of the season directly into the self flagellation stage. It is time for the New Year's resolution.

I'm not really sure how long this phase will last, and unfortunately, I won't be working there for much longer, so my scientific observations will have to cease in 2 more shifts. But I think I can see the resolve of some people's New Year's resolutions by celery.

I propose that celery is the measure of willpower.

One of my favorite channels on YouTube (vlogbrothers) defines Peeps as a nonfood item. I kind of think that celery is a nonfood item. At least celery is a non-snackfood item.

Let me put it this way, last time I was at the nurses' station, I saw 2 women eating celery. They were putting it in their mouths, chewing and swallowing the stuff. I am thinking that it was probably meant to be a snack. But have you ever, in your entire lifetime, ever said, "Man, I'm hungry. I could go for some celery right now." Exactly my point. There is no human that thinks that way. I think there are probably some rabbits and guinea pigs who think like that, but no humans. Not if they're being honest with themselves. Celery doesn't taste good. It isn't offensive, but it doesn't taste good. And celery, I think, is a kind of oral self flagellation. It is punishment, every bite you take. It is loud, crunchy, and can stick in your teeth. There is nothing warm, inviting, smooth and comforting about eating celery.

Right now I'm telling everybody there that I'm embracing my fat. Yes, I am fat. I'm not fluffy. I'm not big boned. I AM FAT. And I'm not in love with my fat. I'd love to be rid of it. But I suppose that isn't my goal. On my goal sheet, it says that I will exercise daily. On my goal sheet, it says that I will eat smaller and more frequent meals. On my goal sheet, it says that I will give up processed foods. On my goal sheet, it says I will eliminate corn syrup (no easy task) from our diet. It doesn't say anything really about me losing weight. But if I live up to my goals, I figure something's got to give, right? And no where on my goal sheet does it say anything about eating nonfood items and trying to call them snacks. If I had to eat nonfood items, I'd probably opt to eat lotion from Bath & Bodyworks. Their stuff just smells yummy. Doesn't taste good though.

I predict the celery will make way for chocolate soon enough. When the celery disappears, it will mark the failure yet again of another year's New Year's resolution -- the breaking of the willpower. If you must have a universal endpoint, I think it is Valentines day -- chocolate will again be plentiful. That's the day I will set free my battle cry: Let the binging recommence!

You will pick up a forkful of cheesecake and answer, "So say we all!"