My Father-In-Law, the speech I gave at his memorial

Age often acts as a crucible. Shows us who we are at our core. The grouchy become grouchier. The joyful become more so. How lucky we were, that Dad was kind. It is exactly the one word I would choose to describe him. He was kind.

The first time I met him, I had just started dating that tall drink of water -- his younger son, the youngest of the four siblings. We had just started seeing each other's the end of spring quarter and I was madly in love. I recklessly came to visit him in SoCal, an impetuous thing, for sure. I cared nothing of what his or my family would think of it. I was so, so in love.

I arrived with a terrible cold and spent my first day with the people who would become my in laws holed up in a room upstairs. When I finally emerged, I had been left alone in their home as everybody was at work. I donned my swimsuit and sat by the pool out back assessing this poorly thought out trip to see a boy I had only been dating for three months. What had I done?

Dad came home. Maybe he sensed my disquiet. Maybe he remembered being a crazy young person ruled more by emotions than brains. He came outside and sat with me for a moment. Shared that ready smile and with that kind of friendship he handed out so willingly to every person who crossed his path. With a few words, in that quiet moment, he made me feel welcome, dispelled all those worries. 

That was his way.

These last few years, we've watched this man whose mind was alight with facts at his fingertips, his love and passion for history, news and current events, love of words and their etymology... Each light dimmed as his years advanced. And yet what remained constant was his smile, his humor, his masterful story telling. His hand outstretched in friendship and by natural extension, service. Yes, his kindness never dimmed. It was his how he kept his ship aright.

And while we grieve that Deane is gone from this earth, he isn't really because all you need do is look at his children, his legacies, and know that his light will be carried on. In his kids, you see the value of hard work, of dedication to family, the ability to set goals to attain them. Your boys took their cue on how to be men from you, Dad. They both work tirelessly to provide for their kids, they are conscientious fathers. My husband still looks to your example on how to be a good citizen. Lately he's been donating blood, just like you did on a regular basis. Each time he does so, he says how you always did that. He marveled at how you took on that responsibility. Your younger daughter, known for her grace and her voice, her confidence in singing came from you and your beautiful voice. In her, we see the kindness that was your magnetic north. And elder daughter, in every family there is the one person above all who keeps us all together. She knows the value of what you built, this magnificent family whose members are scattered far and wide. But Diane is our super glue. She forges relationships with the next generation too, and puts in the work to keep us all together. But your sense of humor and quick wit you imparted to all of them. Raucous laughter is always the norm when they're gathered together.

A few months before we married, Dad sent my fiancé a long heartfelt letter with a message that I imagine he would have delivered in person. It was full of wisdom. Told him to sit down with his future wife, make life goals and take a long hard look at where we wanted to be and do the work to get there, counseled him to look at setbacks as opportunities to change your method but not your goals. Told him to prioritize family, love your wife, that true contentedness comes from placing others first. That is success. So Dad, you won. You succeeded by your own metric. 

I will miss you greatly.