WA not MS

I'm a long time fan of Dan Savage. He's a loud and proud gay man who writes books, does speaking tours, writes a sex advice column, and has a weekly sex advice podcast. For the first time ever, I've submitted a question to his podcast.

It will likely make my kids disown me.

Here it is:

Hey Dan,

I’m the mother of a 13 year old seventh grader going to school in Western Washington -- yup, we are neighbors. The uncomfortable awkward end of year science class on sex ed happened yesterday and I’m unhappy with how the material was presented. 

The teacher likely hoped to discourage sexual activity before the children are emotionally ready. My daughter discussed this with me saying, “ I think that the teacher accidentally slut shamed today. “ In my home, I openly discuss sexuality with my children to create a non judgemental environment for them to ask questions. I want them to have the tools to recognize detrimental attitudes common in our culture. “Slut-shaming” is one of those concepts. “(Slut-shaming) is a neologism used to describe the act of making a person, especially a woman, feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors or desires that deviate from traditional or orthodox gender expectations, or that which may be considered to be contrary to natural or religious law.”  *

The teacher cut two pieces of duct tape; one he left hanging on the side of a desk and the other he likened to a “freshman girl, very attractive.” This girl catches the attention of a senior boy. After dating for a while, she consents to have sex with her boyfriend. To illustrate, the teacher applied the duct tape to his arm. The boy then breaks up with her a week later. The teacher demonstrates this by pulling off the duct tape. The story continues that the girl dates other boys and, “because sex is already part of her relationships,” she continued to have sex with subsequent boyfriends. He demonstrates this by repeatedly applying and pulling off the same piece of duct tape from his arm. He then asked the class who wanted to get married someday. Many kids raised their hands. He held up the two pieces of tape; one still pristine and the other now covered in arm hair, body oil, and not as sticky. Which would you want to marry?

I understand that abstinence is stressed at all grade levels in Washington state and while I do not object to the teaching of abstinence, provided that other forms of contraception and infection transmission are covered, I do object to using shame to drive home the point. When my daughter told me this story, I was horrified. I didn’t think this kind of abstinence teaching happened in progressive leaning Western Washington. I’m waiting the few days until school lets out before I bring this before administration. I promised my daughter that I wouldn’t embarrass her by being the mom who confronts a teacher like this. In addition it’s worthwhile that I calm down a little so I’m not just running on the disappointment and betrayal I’m feeling.  I’m certain I’m not the only parent alarmed by this method of teaching abstinence. Is there truly no way to teach abstinence or model it without slut shaming? How would you go about teaching this? What can the school do to mitigate the damage done in this class? The kids cannot unhear the message delivered by a well liked and competent educator in just about every other way. 

This letter is partly lifted from a much longer letter that I'll be sending to the school administration after school lets out next week. My daughter would like me to wait until after school is out. When she came home and related this story to me, I had to check my driver's license to make sure it didn't say Mississippi -- because you expect this kind of crazy to happen there. You don't expect it here. 

With the cyberbullying and regular bullying being such a focus in our schools it is hard to feel anything other than betrayal when a trusted adult gives credence to the idea that a girl is ruined after having had sex. Imagine how many kids in that classroom may have been victims of sexual violence, incest, or rape. Are they now to internalize more shame because now they're used up pieces of duct tape? What a model for the boys to have, that their male teacher says out loud that there are exactly two types of girls out there -- the ones you have sex with and the ones you marry. Wait, let me check my calendar to make sure it's still 2014. 

I'm hardly out for blood. I don't want to see this teacher fired or suspended or anything like that. I'd like to think it was an honest misstep. I truly don't know how to undo what has been done. 

The only bright side is that my daughter had the sense to label it exactly what it was:  slut-shaming. 

If Dan decides to answer my question, I'll post the link here. Until then, I have some relaxing breathing to do so I don't come across as an irrational angry mama bear.

*I put in the definition of slut-shaming in for you, not for Dan. Obviously.

***Update*** June 19, 2014

After a few emails back and forth between myself and the teacher, I received two emails from the principal. Initially the principal was going to table the matter until the fall and then make a decision. Then the teacher conferenced with the principal and the school counselor and decided that instead they would drop the duct tape demonstration completely.

The terrible part of this is that the teacher said he had gotten this from a guest speaker he had seen about 10 years ago when he was teaching 8th grade. I thought to myself that if a guest speaker had done this, maybe it is a program I might be able to see on YouTube or something like that. When I did a simple search on "duct tape sex education," I discovered two possible origins of this demonstration. The first possibility is Sex Respect, a fundamentalist Christian group that advocates abstinence only teaching. Salon recently reprinted an article about 8 crazy abstinence only teaching happening in public schools. Duct tape was number four. The second is the Abstinence and Marriage Education Partnership, also an abstinence only training program. The attached video shows how duct tape is used in their presentation. Given how my daughter described the lesson, this one is more likely.


I'm taking some time to think about this more and about how to proceed. Neither of these programs were part of the approved curriculum.

I wonder when I get to stop spitting nails.