Linus & Lucy

Did you ever notice that the song that opens the Charlie Brown Christmas Special is in a minor key? Charlie Brown starts off with the line, "I think there must be something wrong with me Linus. Christmas is coming but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel...I always end up feeling depressed." I never understood it as a kid. WTF was wrong with Charlie Brown?

But having started this Christmas season with my own anxiety attack, with a sense of impending dread, I get it Charlie Brown. I totally get it.

In recent history, very bad things happen at Christmastime for me. I've jokingly considered becoming a Jehovah's witness or maybe Buddhist. Anything that will get me out of Christmas. But I suspect, the only way to avoid the season all together is to move out of the country to maybe Turkey. Eh, Hubby likes Turkey. I'll think about it. Supposed to be pretty out there.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Uncle Nofre's death. In keeping with the whole keep-busy-to-avoid-grief thing, I took Princess on a shopping trip for Girl Scout meeting supplies. On the drive over, I guess it was too quiet and I got to thinking about the day I got the news. How the phone call came at 2am and I knew it was disaster. How I went to sleep sobbing even though he hadn't died yet. How I woke up with a vague sense of unease only to have everything rush back in crystal clarity. How every time the phone rang, I braced myself for the worst. I remembered the exact spot I stood when I got the news. And when my eyes started to well up with tears, I realized that crying while driving was absolute folly and I must move on to other topics and fast. Thank goodness my girl was in the back seat with all kinds of plans and schemes for Christmas surprises. She is a font of joy.

After we were done with our shopping trip, I turned the car radio on to the Christmas station. One of the radio stations here plays non-stop Christmas music, even during its super saccharine Delilah show. If you're not familiar with her, she's a nationally syndicated radio host. Her program has people call in to request a song for somebody special. Delilah has a knack for picking the *perfect* song for the situation. But during the holidays, her hands are a little tied because it needs to be Holiday music. And I suspect, my uncle's hands were too. But still, he was able to communicate with me through this most unlikely radio station. When I turned the music on, it was Linus & Lucy, from Charlie Brown. You know, that Vince Guaraldi piano piece that appeared in a lot of the Peanuts animated specials. I was surprised because it is one of my favorite songs. My first reaction was a happy one -- that kind you get when you have a moment of serendipity. And then I remembered.

In October of last year, I had visited Uncle's house and saw the jewel case on the coffee table. It was a Vince Guaraldi collection. On it was a picture of the composer fashioned into a Peanuts character. I picked it up and told Uncle Nofre that I loved that one song, Linus & Lucy. He told me to go ahead and take the CD if I wanted it but when I opened the jewel case, it was empty. Plus, the jewel case itself was broken. So I left it there. After Uncle died, my brother Dwight asked me if there was anything that I wanted of Uncle's things before the garage sale. I told Dwight that there was a CD that I had bought for Uncle the previous Christmas and also that Vince Guaraldi one if it was there.

By the time Dwight got to the garage sale, the box of Uncle's CD's had sold. Dwight was totally freaked out that I'd be upset that they were gone, but I told him it really was no big deal.

When Dwight came to visit us this past spring, he had four CDs of Uncle's that hadn't gotten sold, and surprisingly, the Vince Guaraldi one was in the collection. He gave them to me and I was thrilled to see that the CD had been restored to its broken jewel case. I wonder if that was why it didn't get sold.

So take that story however you wish. Coincidence, yeah. But I haven't gotten rid of my sense of wonder and magic just yet. And if there is a chance that Uncle has more to tell me, that I'll be sure to listen. Maybe that song was just to remind me that my first reaction, whenever I think of Uncle, should always be joy and happiness.

Midlife crisis

There is nothing quite as effective in making you feel older than organizing old pictures. I finally got to that box in the back of the closet with packets and packets of pictures in it. Some of those pictures were 12 years old. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't really think I look all that different than I did 10 years ago or 12 years ago, but when faced with the evidence...

So in a rare moment of feeling my age and the insecurity that comes with it, I looked to my husband for reassurance.

Me: You're not going to trade me in for a younger, prettier model, are you?

Him: No, of course not.

At that point he put his arm around me and kissed me on the forehead. He should have stopped there.

Him: I mean, it doesn't mean I won't try. I just don't think it likely I'll succeed.

Dork.